"All I wanted to do with my life was to write about sports and I never imagined it would take me this far. The team with me is second to none. Now, we ball."
"Why do I want to ruin my life and get involved in this mess because I know what comes with it, but sometimes I do feel like it's my duty. I can't turn away. I feel like I could make a change."
"I just gotta say that I would be far wealthier had I done the MAGA impersonation so many others have done, but holy hell am I glad I don't have to beclown myself on a daily basis to prove my loyalty to keep the gravy train going."
"We are deeply disappointed in today's decision, but The Onion will continue to seek a resolution that helps the Sandy Hook families receive a positive outcome for the horror they endured."
"Why do I want to ruin my life and get involved in this mess because I know what comes with it, but sometimes I do feel like it's my duty. I can't turn away. I feel like I could make a change."