Got your costume ready for this weekend? More importantly, whatcha got in the candy bowl? For serious candy hunters, Halloween means developing a war plan. Map the neighborhood. Know every house. Which to hit. Which to skip. Who’s home but pretending not to be. Identify the houses offering “king size” and the land mines to avoid — the dentist handing out toothbrushes, the well-lit home that thinks Halloween means fruit and the scary place on the corner with 37 cats.
But every neighborhood has one high-value, must-hit Halloween target. The house worth bringing a second costume for and knocking twice, because their candy bowl is the best in town. It’s the Candy Superhouse.
THE CANDY SUPERHOUSE
A great Candy Superhouse is like a great RockTernative music library. It’s loaded with king-sized hits like Snickers, Reese’s and Hershey’s. But just when you think the seventh Twix is about to hit your bag, out come Nerds, Candy Cigarettes or Junior Mints — and you’ve never been happier.
Dump the bowl onto the table, and categories immediately appear. The dependable full-size bars. The sugary stuff. The sour candy. The hard or weird stuff. Even the polarizing pieces people either grab immediately or leave for someone else.
In programming terms, they’re like categories and sound codes. So, let’s haphazardly imagine if rock bands were Halloween candy …
THE FULL-SIZE HEADLINERS
Their logos are plastered on the outside of the Superhouse, and running out of stock means someone’s getting fired.
- Metallica is Snickers: heavy, filling, crunchy and internationally recognized.
- The Foo Fighters are the Hershey’s bar: familiar, dependable and welcome anywhere.
- Linkin Park would be Reese’s: two different ingredients that become more powerful together.
Those are the big hits people expect. Nobody walks extra blocks unless they’re getting some.
THE SUGAR RUSH
Hard to miss. Bright, poppy, always decorated, occasionally hyperactive.
Let’s say Fall Out Boy is Skittles. Panic! at the Disco is Pop Rocks, and Weezer is obviously Nerds. Twenty One Pilots is Starburst, and Tame Impala is the psychedelic candy that makes the wallpaper move.
Too much sugar can make anyone twitch. But this rush gives your candy bowl youthful energy, color and tempo — and a break from all that heavy chocolate.
THE SOUR PATCH
Blink-182, Green Day, Sum 41, The Offspring.
Abrasive on the outside, strangely sweet on the inside and still loved by adults who discovered them as teenagers. It isn’t for everyone, but its superfans will walk past homes handing out Reese’s Double Cup Family Size just to get it.
THE HARD STUFF
Let’s agree that Tool is the world’s leading Jawbreaker. Dense, time-consuming and requiring a plan to take on and finish. And its fans will explain how they knew the band first and why you’re listening to them incorrectly.
System of a Down is a Warhead.
Rage Against the Machine is an Atomic Fireball — minus the political science degree.
This stuff belongs deeper in the bowl, not right on top — like snipers waiting to support the other troops. Casual visitors may never reach it, but the devoted diehards will keep digging until they find it.
THE CANDY CORN DIVISION
Nickelback, Imagine Dragons, Coldplay.
The bands everyone claims to hate while devouring every piece until it’s all gone. Just grab some while no one is looking, and continue lying to your friends.
BACK TO WORK
A great station doesn’t hand out the same candy every 10 minutes just because research says it’s safest. It needs full-size powers, sugar, sour, hard stuff, surprises and even a few polarizers people will fight over. Familiar enough not to cause alarm, consistent enough that people come back, but varied enough to keep listeners digging through the bowl for the treasures.
And every bowl needs a few unfamiliar wrappers. Some of these may become new favorites. Others get spit back into the bowl. But that’s what discovery is all about. And if we’ve lost that desire to discover a new piece of candy once in a while, well … the terrorists have won.
This Halloween, dump your music library onto the table. Are you the Candy Superhouse people will walk extra blocks to find? Or the house handing out raisins and calling them gold?
This Halloween column is powered by Uncle Randy’s: Discount Candy, Loose Cigarettes & Emergency Top Hats.
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