Almost 45 years ago, when I was still in high school, I attended the National Association of Broadcasters’ (NAB) first radio-only convention. At that conference, I met legendary Rock consultant and programmer Lee Abrams (although attacking him would be a more accurate description). Lee handled a rude kid perfectly and explained a consultant’s role. Lee and I still laugh about that incident, but he left an impression on me and a career goal I reached about a decade later.
In addition to Lee, Fred Jacobs became a mentor and important figure in my life. I had the opportunity to work for and learn from Fred. Years later, I conducted research and consulted as Executive Vice President at Coleman Insights under Jon Coleman. These are just a few of my mentors. I am grateful to them and the many others who helped me throughout the years.
I carry a little bit of each of them in my DNA.
I’ve consulted stations, groups, and individual personalities since the late 1980s. It’s work I always enjoy.
I know of a company that wanted to fire a consultant. The station’s PD fought to keep them. An exasperated group programmer remarked that arguing with the consultant was like talking to a brick wall. Undeterred, the program director explained, “Everybody needs a brick wall they can lean on sometimes.” It’s a tribute to the relationship they had built with the consultant.
Great consultants are part Zen masters. They are counselors, mentors, teachers, and advisors. They usually have inner peace – but the best have a molten passion bubbling below the surface. If you’ve developed a genuine relationship, you’ll eventually see it rise to the top.
The best consultants see what’s coming next, good or bad. They usually have an expression, saying, story, or anecdote for any situation. In addition to the one about leaning against a brick wall I’ve already listed, here are ten of the favorites that anybody I’ve worked with as a consultant has undoubtedly heard me utter over the years.
Here are some of the best nuggets of wisdom I’ve picked up, and shared, in my time.
“If you’re stealing from me, you’re stealing from at least five or six other people.”
I am not claiming that I created all these pearls of wisdom. If I could remember who did, I would give them credit. Most of my best ideas were variations on somebody else’s. But I only stole from the best.
Inspiration often comes from the darndest places. I was having difficulty with a topic this week. Then while driving my son to school, I saw an animal that had been hit and killed by a car. It reminded me of an expression or advice I used to say to Talk Show hosts as a programmer and consultant:
“The only thing in the middle of the road are dead animals.”
With all due respect to Rocky Raccoon, who lay dead on the roadside, I smiled because it triggered thoughts of phrases I often used as a consultant (and sometimes as a programmer).
“Radio is the lowest rung on the show biz ladder. Well, there are circus clowns – and then there’s radio.”
The other way of saying this is: “Radio is for C students.” I wouldn’t have included these on the list, but it led to the next one.
“Make it not suck much.”
No other form of advertising includes promotions along with a buy, except radio, where it is often mandatory. Our job was always to “make it not suck much” (for the listeners).
“Radio is like a house of cards. You don’t know which one will collapse the whole thing.”
After cutting budgets, General Managers or owners would say canceling a marketing campaign or music test didn’t harm the station. While they got away with pulling a couple of cards from the house, the whole thing collapsed when they pulled the wrong one. It usually did – but you never knew which one would do it until it was too late. Sometimes you could remove many. Other times the first card would collapse it.
“What’s your EST?”
Sometimes, somebody I was working with didn’t understand they lacked a position. Then I’d ask, “What’s your est?” While I would usually be talking to a music station, I submit that CNN has an “est” problem too. Music stations need to be the “soft-est,” “hard-est,” “new-est,” “old-est,” etc. What is CNN’s “est”? It’s not the liberal-est. It’s not even the middle-est or the newsy-est. CNN needs to find its “est.”
“The people who need to know, know.”
More than one frustrated PD, MD, jock, and salesperson has told me how underappreciated they are. I used to advise them not to worry because “the people who need to know, know.”
Perhaps this isn’t true anymore. It was true in my experience, but I was fortunate to work for companies and managers who valued people, and before, companies owned hundreds of stations.
“Radio stations are like carnival rides. You only get so many tickets, and then it’s time to go home.”
The first step in telling an owner or group head that their station was on its way to a format change was telling them they were out of carnival ride tickets. It was always a gentle way to break the news versus telling them that a station’s format was finished.
“It’s like going to the doctor. When you’re sick enough/when it hurts bad enough, you’ll go/do what you have to do.”
When owners and group heads initially pushed back against changing formats, it usually wasn’t advisable to exert pressure. The conversations were with power players who didn’t react well to pressure. Comparing it to deciding to see a doctor was a milder way to frame their decision.
“What’s the worst that can happen? We end up back in Mom’s basement.”
There was considerable dark humor during portions of my career. When things looked darkest, and only to certain people, I’d remind them that the worst that could happen is they would end up back in mom’s basement. Fortunately, I don’t think that happened to anybody I said it to.
Consultants have stories, anecdotes, and sayings ready for specific circumstances that reoccur frequently. They don’t practice or rehearse them. They’ve never written them down, but they come up so frequently that they are good at retelling them with consistency.
I have used these ten expressions dozens of times over my decades of consulting stations and the people who own, manage and work at them. What are the favorite anecdotes that you’ve either heard or used? Please share them!
Andy Bloom is president of Andy Bloom Communications. He specializes in media training and political communications. He has programmed legendary stations including WIP, WPHT and WYSP/Philadelphia, KLSX, Los Angeles and WCCO Minneapolis. He was Vice President Programming for Emmis International, Greater Media Inc. and Coleman Research. Andy also served as communications director for Rep. Michael R. Turner, R-Ohio. He can be reached by email at andy@andybloom.com or you can follow him on Twitter @AndyBloomCom.
