As an angry little man… Many things really bother me. Now, how bitter am I? I love puppies and kittens. But some things drive me nuts about radio commercial copy, part two, because this is worth my rage.
“For All Your Wart Removal Needs”
Lemmy Kilmister of Motorhead was an international sex symbol with distinctive and obviously enchanting facial warts. Should Lemmy have removed them? I say no. I will die on that opinion. “For all your wart removal needs is a terrible commercial trope.” How many commercials use this line? Listen to your station for an hour. “For all roofing, tire, and hemorrhoid needs,” says nothing.
“When I had a nasty bout of the ‘rhoids, Dr. Smith solved my personal anguish.”
Have you ever sat in a meeting with intense rectal itching that demands an aggressive scratch? It is like hell on Earth. If you are a praying man or not… You may need to lob one up to the supreme being of your choice. Thank Dr. Smith and her mastery of the anus that solved your pestering itch. Dr. Smith is here for all your Hemorrhoid cessation needs. See how insane that is?
Opening a Spot with a Stupid Question
“Do you like drinking motor oil?” It seems like there is an obvious answer.
“Penzoil is hands down the most delicious motor oil ever created. Penzoil goes down smoothly every time.” Commercials should always begin with an attention-grabbing opener.
Tom Durney was a man in the last millennium who wrote the ABCs of Copywriting. Durney’s take was that the most important part of any commercial is the opening line.
If you do not grab the attention of the listener or viewer, you have failed in your quest to sell more product.
Colon Cleanser Infomercials
John Wayne and Elvis both died because of excess fecal matter lingering in their colons. I swear to you that death by fecal matter is likely worse than being tortured in the tunnels of Gaza by Hamas. I swear that I was evaluating the tonnage of my bowel movements.
Now, how likely are you to meet your earthly end by compacted poop?
If you listen to these informercials, pretty darn likely.
The Opener: “Everyone is Talking About (Insert Company Here)”
Really? Everyone? The average homeowner replaces their roof every 30 years or so. I’ll tell you, my roof is only 10 years old, But Bob’s Roofing Company has such a sterling reputation. Everyone knows that Jim’s Car lot on Highway 61 has the best selection of pre-owned vehicles. With a large selection of 30 custom-curated cars, Jim’s Car Lot has it going on.
Puns
I hate them. Unimaginative uses of language drive me crazy. I can’t wait to go see that pun comic at the Funny Bone. Unrealistic, rarely even interesting.
I worked with a promotions director who wrote spots for station events. She could jam seven puns in 30 seconds of copy. Thank God, she did not listen to the station. I rewrote every piece of copy that she presented for production. I removed every pun. I now think of myself as some sort of superhero.
Music Lyrics
Totally unimaginative and stupid.
“Is your car dirty? Shake it off at Tommy’s Express Carwash.”
“Have you been looking for love in all the wrong places? Club 601’s ladies’ night is Springfield’s best Tuesday Night. Ladies receive 2 free drinks and gentlemen get half off appetizers.”
“How do you mend a broken heart? Hire divorce attorney Seth Copeland, he will get you the revenge you so desire.”
Useless Clichés
Think outside the box when you are looking for the best fishing lure ever. Lunkers don’t land themselves, that is why you need Red Wigglers, the Cadillac of Worms. All Hell will break loose in the lake as the Bass fight over the succulent delight that Red Wigglers present to them on that hook.
To add insult to injury, my wife was run over by the very shopping cart that added an epic door ding to my Dodge. The Time of My Life started when Reggie’s HVAC Company fixed my air conditioning unit. Reggie’s crew thought outside the box and now I can sleep in comfort.
Doom and Gloom
Are you prepared if the unthinkable occurs? How many days of food do you have in your home? Preppers Dehydrated Cuisine can protect you from the inevitable collapse of our world when the sweet meteor of death slams into Albuquerque. When hell descends upon your subdivision, be the envy of your ill-prepared neighbors when you unleash the hellfire of your own bazooka.
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Ok, these things really tick me off. The farcical use of language is a threat to humanity. It also destroys small businesses. When account executives, copywriters, and/or production directors present bad copy to clients, it hurts radio, small businesses, and America.
This is not a total exaggeration. Businesses fail every day in this economy and nation. We must be lifesavers, not destroyers. We are here to help businesses win, not destroy them.
Peter Thiele is a weekly news/talk radio columnist for Barrett Media, and an experienced news/talk radio programmer. He currently serves as News/Talk Format Captain for Zimmer Communications. Prior to joining Zimmer, Peter held programming positions in New York City, San Francisco, Des Moines, Little Rock, Greenville, Hunstville, and Joplin. Peter has also worked as a host, account executive and producer in Minneapolis, and San Antonio. He can be found on Twitter at @PeterThiele.
