This is when push comes to shove, and by that I don’t mean battling the crowds buying gifts at Walmart. Actually, I do mean that, though online shopping made those news clips of mobs of people bursting through the front doors of the Valley Stream, NY Walmart Supercenter at midnight on Black Friday to nab a cheap flat-panel TV mostly a thing of the past. No, I mean that the next few weeks, the Nielsen Holiday Book, are when talk radio hosts unlucky enough to pull active duty any time up to New Year’s Day have to find things to talk about that are appropriate for the season.
Appropriate, in this case, means that even the big news stories, with the likely exception of inflation, will not be top-of-mind even among the P1 crazies who usually come to you for validation of their world view. No, even they are thinking about buying gifts and family gatherings and family meals and family brawls when Cousin Liberal and Grandpa Conservative just can’t let it go, not even for one evening. Other than breaking news, and even that’s marginal now that “breaking news” has become a cliché and there’s a new crisis every ten minutes, people just aren’t looking for a mood breaker. They’re looking for a respite. Talk radio isn’t a respite.
But it can be. Here, allow me to offer some options for holiday-safe topics that are better than just running syndication and “best-of” for the next two weeks:
-Let’s ban suits!
-Sabrina Carpenter: Alien or AI?
-Anybody sign Walker Buehler yet? Should anybody sign Walker Buehler?
-“Bluey” is the best show on TV. Prove me wrong.
-Restaurant buffets should let you grab your food with your bare hands, for maximum herd immunity.
-Red Lobster or Olive Garden tonight? Cheddar biscuits or breadsticks?
-C-SPAN should be permitted to air occasional nudity. (Actually, they’re cable, so they can, and the public clamor for Mitch McConnell in the nude is deafening.)
-Turkey is overrated.
-No, I mean turkey, the bird/meat. Not the country, which is Türkiye now anyway.
-Let’s all admit it- we watched “Game of Thrones” because everyone else did, but we didn’t have a clue what was happening.
-Advent calendars need bigger payoffs. Little chocolates or airplane bottles of booze aren’t enough. Cash would be nice.
-You’re not really incensed about Bad Bunny at the Super Bowl, it’s just that the pundits say you are.
That’s more than enough for you to get through the holiday, plus it ensures you’ll never be hired in talk radio again. That should be your primary goal, since when the history of this era is written, talk radio will not fare well. If there’s a tiny chance that you won’t have to explain yourself to your grandkids, take it. If this ends in Nuremberg-style trials, it’s better to be a witness than a defendant, and much better not to be involved at all. Stephen Miller may have cemented himself in the Evil Guy Hall of Infamy, but you don’t want that noise for yourself.
That should take care of the rest of the year for you. Me? Well, I have actual news, but I’m gonna just save it for next week. You’re not going to want to miss this one. Or maybe you do. I’m not familiar with how much you care about my life. Just… make sure you check in next week. That’s all I’ll say. Not that it’ll be THAT much of a surprise, but still….
Perry Michael Simon is a weekly news media columnist for Barrett Media. He previously served as VP and Editor/News-Talk-Sports/Podcast for AllAccess.com. Prior to joining the industry trade publication, Perry spent years in radio working as a Program Director and Operations Manager for KLSX and KLYY in Los Angeles and New Jersey 101.5 in Trenton. He can be found on X (formerly Twitter) @PMSimon.
